From Iowahawk, weiging in over at Ace:

Atlas shrugged, bent over, and goatse'd.

A few of points:

1) This is not Monopoly. Real debt is being incurred.

2) Pay as you go, a promise of the Obama campaign, has been staked, had it's head lopped off, burned, buried, and then had the ground salted around it before dropping a 50-megaton nuke onto it. To be fair, I knew that the promise was bullshit, but I didn't expect a steaming pile of this size.

3) Welcome to the AU (American Union), a nice collection of socialist states whose sole purpose in life is to suck-suck-suck at the taxpayer teat.

4) America is the richest, most productive country in the world, but that wealth and productivity are not limitless.

Nice republic we had here. I guess we don't get to keep it.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:08 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 148 words, total size 1 kb.

Well, I don't have much, but consider this an early Superbowl gift: a clone recipe, from the December, 2004 issue of BYO.

5 gallons, all-grain
OG = 1.078 FG = 1.020
IBU = 22 SRM = 21 ABV = 7.4%

14.66 lbs (6.6 kg) 2-row pale malt
1.5 lbs (.68 kg) crystal malt (60 L)
1.0 oz (28 g) chocolate malt
0.5 oz (14 g) black patent malt
1 rsp. Irish moss (15 mins)
6.1 AAU Chinook hops (60 mins)
0.51 oz/14 g of 12% alpha acids
3.8 AAU Mt. Hood hops (15 min)
0.76 oz/22g of 5% alpha acids
Wyeast 1272 (American Ale II) or White Labs (California V) yeast
3/4 cups corn sugar (for priming)

Step by step

Mash at 152 F (6 C) for 45 minutes. Boil wort for 90 minutes. Ferment at 70 F (21 C).

extract with grains recipe

4.0 lbs (1.8 kg) Breiss Light dried malt extract
5.25 (2.4 kg) Alexander's Pale liquid malt extract
1.5 lbs (.68 kg) crystal malt (60 L)
1.0 oz (28 g) chocolate malt
0.5 oz (14 g) black patent malt
1 rsp. Irish moss (15 mins)
6.1 AAU Chinook hops (60 mins)
0.51 oz/14 g of 12% alpha acids
3.8 AAU Mt. Hood hops (15 min)
0.76 oz/22g of 5% alpha acids
Wyeast 1272 (American Ale II) or White Labs (California V) yeast
3/4 cups corn sugar (for priming)

Step by step

Begin by heating 2.5 gallons of water in your brewpot. In a separate pot heat 0.5 gallons of water to 161 F. Place crushed grains in a steeping bag and submerge in water, steeping at 150 F for 30-45 minutes. After steep, remove grain bag and let drip dry. Add "grain tea" and dried malt extract to your brewing pot and bring to a boil. Boil for 60 minutes, adding hops at the specified times. With 15 minutes left in the boil, stir in Irish moss and liquid malt extract. After boil, coold wort and siphon to fermenter. Add water to make 5 gallons, aerate and pitch yeast. Ferment at 70 F.

All you brewers can fill in the holes from the article. The rest of you? Ask me questions in the comments or ask your local brewshop for help. At any rate, I plan to brew this soon and then followup with a clone of Fat Tire. This time, I hope to not add 2 gallons of dirty water from the garden hose.

Don't ask.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:18 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 418 words, total size 2 kb.

Well, I don't have much, but consider this an early Superbowl gift: a clone recipe, from the December, 2004 issue of BYO.

5 gallons, all-grain
OG = 1.078 FG = 1.020
IBU = 22 SRM = 21 ABV = 7.4%

14.66 lbs (6.6 kg) 2-row pale malt
1.5 lbs (.68 kg) crystal malt (60 L)
1.0 oz (28 g) chocolate malt
0.5 oz (14 g) black patent malt
1 rsp. Irish moss (15 mins)
6.1 AAU Chinook hops (60 mins)
0.51 oz/14 g of 12% alpha acids
3.8 AAU Mt. Hood hops (15 min)
0.76 oz/22g of 5% alpha acids
Wyeast 1272 (American Ale II) or White Labs (California V) yeast
3/4 cups corn sugar (for priming)

Step by step

Mash at 152 F (6 C) for 45 minutes. Boil wort for 90 minutes. Ferment at 70 F (21 C).

extract with grains recipe

4.0 lbs (1.8 kg) Breiss Light dried malt extract
5.25 (2.4 kg) Alexander's Pale liquid malt extract
1.5 lbs (.68 kg) crystal malt (60 L)
1.0 oz (28 g) chocolate malt
0.5 oz (14 g) black patent malt
1 rsp. Irish moss (15 mins)
6.1 AAU Chinook hops (60 mins)
0.51 oz/14 g of 12% alpha acids
3.8 AAU Mt. Hood hops (15 min)
0.76 oz/22g of 5% alpha acids
Wyeast 1272 (American Ale II) or White Labs (California V) yeast
3/4 cups corn sugar (for priming)

Step by step

Begin by heating 2.5 gallons of water in your brewpot. In a separate pot heat 0.5 gallons of water to 161 F. Place crushed grains in a steeping bag and submerge in water, steeping at 150 F for 30-45 minutes. After steep, remove grain bag and let drip dry. Add "grain tea" and dried malt extract to your brewing pot and bring to a boil. Boil for 60 minutes, adding hops at the specified times. With 15 minutes left in the boil, stir in Irish moss and liquid malt extract. After boil, coold wort and siphon to fermenter. Add water to make 5 gallons, aerate and pitch yeast. Ferment at 70 F.

All you brewers can fill in the holes from the article. The rest of you? Ask me questions in the comments or ask your local brewshop for help. At any rate, I plan to brew this soon and then followup with a clone of Fat Tire. This time, I hope to not add 2 gallons of dirty water from the garden hose.

Don't ask.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:18 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 418 words, total size 2 kb.

Well, I don't have much, but consider this an early Superbowl gift: a clone recipe, from the December, 2004 issue of BYO.

5 gallons, all-grain
OG = 1.078 FG = 1.020
IBU = 22 SRM = 21 ABV = 7.4%

14.66 lbs (6.6 kg) 2-row pale malt
1.5 lbs (.68 kg) crystal malt (60 L)
1.0 oz (28 g) chocolate malt
0.5 oz (14 g) black patent malt
1 rsp. Irish moss (15 mins)
6.1 AAU Chinook hops (60 mins)
0.51 oz/14 g of 12% alpha acids
3.8 AAU Mt. Hood hops (15 min)
0.76 oz/22g of 5% alpha acids
Wyeast 1272 (American Ale II) or White Labs (California V) yeast
3/4 cups corn sugar (for priming)

Step by step

Mash at 152 F (6 C) for 45 minutes. Boil wort for 90 minutes. Ferment at 70 F (21 C).

extract with grains recipe

4.0 lbs (1.8 kg) Breiss Light dried malt extract
5.25 (2.4 kg) Alexander's Pale liquid malt extract
1.5 lbs (.68 kg) crystal malt (60 L)
1.0 oz (28 g) chocolate malt
0.5 oz (14 g) black patent malt
1 rsp. Irish moss (15 mins)
6.1 AAU Chinook hops (60 mins)
0.51 oz/14 g of 12% alpha acids
3.8 AAU Mt. Hood hops (15 min)
0.76 oz/22g of 5% alpha acids
Wyeast 1272 (American Ale II) or White Labs (California V) yeast
3/4 cups corn sugar (for priming)

Step by step

Begin by heating 2.5 gallons of water in your brewpot. In a separate pot heat 0.5 gallons of water to 161 F. Place crushed grains in a steeping bag and submerge in water, steeping at 150 F for 30-45 minutes. After steep, remove grain bag and let drip dry. Add "grain tea" and dried malt extract to your brewing pot and bring to a boil. Boil for 60 minutes, adding hops at the specified times. With 15 minutes left in the boil, stir in Irish moss and liquid malt extract. After boil, coold wort and siphon to fermenter. Add water to make 5 gallons, aerate and pitch yeast. Ferment at 70 F.

All you brewers can fill in the holes from the article. The rest of you? Ask me questions in the comments or ask your local brewshop for help. At any rate, I plan to brew this soon and then followup with a clone of Fat Tire. This time, I hope to not add 2 gallons of dirty water from the garden hose.

Don't ask.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:18 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 418 words, total size 2 kb.

Nobody does it better than Iowahawk, not even that pissy little 007.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 12:54 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 18 words, total size 1 kb.

Well, the last post in this series can be found here. Please ignore the date. I promise to continue the series with a post on bottling soon. Afterward, I plan to start a Brewing An Intermediate Beer series, followed by an all grain advanced series. To be fair, I haven't done many all grain beers because, well, I have two (soon to be three) small children around the house and, much as I enjoy brewing, I enjoy spending time with my kids even more. However, brewing is one of my best loved hobbies and I really appreciate the opportunity to post some information for the 2-3 readers that I have.

Hmm. I think that I'll even post a mead series or two. You have to be more patient with honey wine, but the results can be fabulous. I have a 17 year old bottle that I'm saving for after the baby is born so that I can share it with my wife.

See y'all soon.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:13 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 177 words, total size 1 kb.

I love the show, but this "parody" of a roundup is far too close to the actual thing.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 10:13 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 22 words, total size 1 kb.

While I enjoy catching up with people with whom I've lost touch as much as anyone, this is just creepy.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 12:31 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 24 words, total size 1 kb.

A weak effort, but I don't feel all that inspired right now.
=======================================

OBAMA:

It's true! It's true! The voters have made it clear.
The One will be perfect throughout the year.

An election was held some moons ago here.
Our new President is dreamily hot.
And there's no legal limit to the spending here
In Obamalot.

Republicans are forbidden forever
And quake in their minority lot
By order, they run to wherever
In Obamalot.

Obamalot! Obamalot!

The world begins to heal
But in Obamalot, Obamalot
All will be forced to kneel.

Harry Reid may never fail while in session.
By dawn, the veto threat must disappear.
In short, the taxes rise
and the spendings rise
In the socialist-ever-aftering here
In Obamalot.

Obamalot! Obamalot!
I know Joe Biden's a dunce,
But in Obamalot, Obamalot,
He'll never be president once.
Pelosi may never say an intelligent thing.
By noon, all taxes are in arrears.
In short, the taxes rise
and the spendings rise
In the socialist-ever-aftering here
In Obamalot.

To be fair, I hear that Obamalot is absolutely swimming with unicorns and magic ponies.

The first 100 days will give me an idea whether or not to wait it out, or commence relentless mocking. I will acknowledge that I love mocking and chastising politicians of all stripes, so I'm leaning towards the latter. However, I'm not in a particularly bad mood, so we'll see what happens.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 08:33 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 237 words, total size 1 kb.

I had set up TED to download my favorite shows as they appear on Bittorrent. Funny thing happened this evening, though: episode 3 of 24 started downloading about 30-45 minutes before it actually aired. Kind of puzzled me, it did. Then I watched last night's episodes and saw the digital equivalent of a watermark which said this:

PROPERTY OF FOX
FOR REVIEW PURPOSES ONLY
NOT FINAL AIR VERSION

Someone had apparently uploaded the version that reviewers get to see before the air date of a show. And tonight, I had episodes #3 & #4 downloaded and burned to disc before I finished watching last night's shows.

Information wants to be free, I guess. And watching 2 hours of a show in only 1:30 -give or take- makes me quite happy. I am curious as to what person(s) make it their business to give away broadcast episodes before they, umm, broadcast. My guess is that Fox would be quite interested as well.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:14 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 171 words, total size 1 kb.

I had a good year picking football games this year, straight up or against the spread. I finished first overall in the Ace moron pool (spread) and first in another league (straight up). Unfortunately, I finished second in a third league which used confidence points. In any event, some years are better than others for me picking NFL games. This year was pretty good to me.

No money was won, of course. This was strictly for ::cough-cough:: fun.

In any event, I'll recap my picks from last week and then do a little prognostication for this week's contests. On we go.

Last week: I don't have the point spreads, so I'll go with the head-to-head.

Arizona over Atlanta. At home with a hot Warner and those receivers against an inexperienced, albeit talented team? Go Cardinals! And they did.

Miami over Baltimore. More of heart over head pick and it showed. Loser.

San Diego over Indy. A talented team who has managed to beat another team consistently in recent years against a team that consistently flames out in the first round. The ultimate Duh! pick.

Philadelphia over Minnesota. Have you seen the Viking QB?

Anyway, 3-1 last week. Now for this week's picks:

Titans favored by 3 over the Ravens. Flacco finally looks like a rookie. Titans to win and cover.

Carolina by 10 over Arizona. I think that it's going to be a close contest, but Carolina will eventually wear down the Cardinals. Carolina to win, but not cover.

Giants by 4 over the Eagles. This one is peculiar. Both road teams won this year and both are playing well now. However, I think that NY is just too good. Giants to win and cover.

Pittsburgh by 6 over SD. I know that LT is out, but Rivers has been just about the best QB in the league this year. Also, Pittsburgh can be run on, if you stick with it. Not sure if Sproles is the answer to that question. Anyway, Pittsburgh to win, but not to cover. And it wouldn't surprise me if San Diego won straight up. However, I'm not putting my money that way.

There you have it. And if you're foolish enough to bet money using my picks, you deserve what you get.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 10:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 384 words, total size 2 kb.

Thanks for checking in during my longest blogging absence these last 6+ years. Christmas time is always busy for me; this year was no difference. Add in the new upcoming 3rd child and my free time has slipped away.

I still find time for beer, of course. Let's not be stupid. A man's got to have his priorities.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:31 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 72 words, total size 1 kb.

My Christmas Story

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping
done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas
season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was
loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I
was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath,
I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet
sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years
old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged
flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he
was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten
lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had
three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years
old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made
very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to
save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young
boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the
money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take
the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the
hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And
nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and
sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken
boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry
forhelp.

So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 10:08 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 376 words, total size 2 kb.

Don't think of it as leftovers. Instead, think of it as a rerun of a dearly beloved holiday classic.

===========================================

57 ELM STREET BETHLEHEM, PA. 11:51 P.M., DECEMBER 24TH

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.

Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

Scully: You really think someone's been here?

Mulder: Someone or some THING.

Scully: Mulder, over here -- it's fruitcake.

Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Scully: Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully: But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it?

Mulder: Something was here tonite, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.

Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.

Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.

Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.

Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Scully: Impossible.

Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD.

Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.

Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake.

Scully: But we have no proof.

Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

Scully: But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully,they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Scully: Mulder, I --

Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear?

Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.

Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 10:08 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 713 words, total size 4 kb.

Lather, rinse, repost.

And here's one that you won't want to see.

more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 10:07 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 24 words, total size 1 kb.

Frosty turns out to be a dirty, nasty little grade schooler:
more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:04 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 21 words, total size 1 kb.

Yeah, it's an oldie, but it's still on my list of favorite holiday repeats.
===========================================

CHRISTMAS INFO MEMO 12/21
IT CAME UPON A SERVER CLEAR...
***************************************************
Archaeologists working in the Holy Land have discovered an ancient
diskette mixed up with the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Here is what they found on the diskette:

Date: Mon, 2 Dec

To: all@gol.com

From: Caesar_Augustus@Rome.gov

Subject: Taxes, Census

I decree that all the inhabited world shall be counted and taxed. You must
every one go unto your own city.
------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 4 Dec

To: Inn@Bethlehem.com

From: nazrthjosph@gol.com

Subject: Reservations

Please reserve room for two, perhaps three, for December 24 to
January 6.
------------------------------------------------------

Date: Fri, 6 Dec

To: nazrthjosph@gol.com

From: Inn@Bethlehem.com

Subject: RE: Reservations

Sorry, no room available. We've got the Hanukkah rush and the census crowd.
Thank heaven Athens beat us out for the Olympics this year! Why not come in
the off-season and get our special rate? Anyway, if you have a forms-capable
browser, you can register for the census and pay your taxes on the Med Wide Web
at http://mww.Caesar.gov/render.html.
------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sun, 8 Dec

To: Inn@Bethlehem.com

From: nazrthjosph@gol.com

Subject: RE: RE: Reservations

Forms-capable browser? You must be kidding! It'll probably take
Galilee OnLine a couple of thousand years to work out access like
that. Please place us on waiting list for room.
------------------------------------------------------

Date: Mon, 23 Dec

To: Inn@Bethlehem.com

From: healthdept@ci.beth.judea

Subject: Temporary Permit

Due to the crush of taxpayers and holiday visitors, you are hereby
granted a permit to use your stable, barn, or any agricultural outbuildings
for temporary lodging or shelter for up to 30 days from this date.

Address any appeals to:
Herod@Jerusalem.gov
ATTN: Manger Manager
-----------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 25 Dec

To: Webmaster@houseofdavid.net

From: nazrthjosph@gol.com

Subject: It's a boy!

Unto us a son is born.

Let the family know. He came upon a midnight clear, away in a manger.
Hope to upgrade room.

Love, Joe
-----------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 25 Dec

To: shepherds@nightwatch.com

From: heraldangels@lord.org

Subject: Hark!

Tidings of great joy: Unto you is born this day in the city of David
a Saviour.
-----------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 25 Dec

To: shepherds@nightwatch.com

From: heavenlyhost@lord.org

Subject: Praise the Lord ...

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward
men.
-----------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 25 Dec

To: shepherds@nightwatch.com

From: heavenlyhost@lord.org

Subject: ... and Pass the Admonition

If ye do not act now, rates for heavenly hostingWeb sites will go up
January 1. Sign up now to lock in current prices, so ye can make known
abroad (at our famous low rates) the saying which was told you
concerning this child, glorifying and praising God for all the things
that ye have heard and seen, as it was told unto you.
-----------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 25 Dec

To: heavenlyhost@lord.org

From: shepherds@nightwatch.com

Subject: RE: ... and Pass the Admonition

Angels we have heard on high. We'll sign up, but only if you can get
us the domain name we want: FirstNoel.com.
-----------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 25 Dec

To: nazrthjosph@gol.com

From: melchior@magi.edu

Subject: Star sighting

We've seen the light! Heading your way. May take a few days. Caspar wants
to pick up some gold, frankincense, and myrrh before leaving. And for some
reason, everything seems to be closed today. Also, transportation is heavily
booked westward leading, still proceeding. We just got bumped off a caravan
because Balthazar wanted a non-smoking camel. See you January 6 or so.
Sorry we'll miss the bris. So, what are you going to name the kid, anyway?
------------------------------------------
And his name shall be called Jesus.
That's what this is all about...
------------------------------------------

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:00 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 601 words, total size 6 kb.

Don't say that I didn't warn you about the Christmas-time repeats...
===============================

Barbie's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea
parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY
BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas,
or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't
wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to
my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boy toy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior
account exec!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a
bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs;
or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with
several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours Truly,

Barbie

----------------------------

Ken's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you
for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and
career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging
remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my
fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you
of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and
desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel
Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has
everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have
a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability
to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am
forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered
"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such
as:

"S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new
markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me
away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.
Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've
talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions
to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and
others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's
what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken

Posted by: Physics Geek at 12:26 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 748 words, total size 4 kb.

Later, rinse, repost.
================================================

Michele reposted her classic rewrite of one of the holiday season's favorite TV specials. Excerpt:

So what happens? Does Rudolph finally have enough of the bullying and dons a trenchcoat, listens to Marilyn Manson and mows down his enemies? No, Rudolph goes off on an adventure. He escapes his problems instead of confronting them. When you think about it, running away on adventure isn't so bad, as he could have turned to a life on the streets, doing "favors" for old barflys in exchange for salt licks.

I really missed Michele's blogging during her absence. And her post put me in mind to repost an old image:

Posted by: Physics Geek at 12:14 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 127 words, total size 1 kb.

Reposted from last year. Expect. more reruns until EOY; I'm quite busy.
================================================
While some of you might think that the picture below is cute and creative, what you're missing is that it's a crime against nature. Look closely and see if you can spot what's wrong.
more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 12:13 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 87 words, total size 1 kb.